Weak Moments

I don't know where else to post this because I have to get it out. I would go outside and scream it if I thought no one would think I was crazy.

I really want a baby.

Permanent Cruise Control

If only God used signs like these to direct us in the way He wants us to go. I think Will and I are in a place right now of just not knowing, which is probably a place that a lot of people find themselves in, just coasting through. Its hard to sit and write of the things that are happening in your life, especially when nothing of any consequence is happening. I have felt for some time that we are just coasting through our life and not really fulfilling any dream of God’s or ours for that matter. Like the feeling of survival took over and that is all that is left.

How do you get the want for something more back?

The Last 2 Months

So I keep feeling like we are still in the month of March. Where does time go? Time is flying by faster every year I get older especially if that year is filled with some tuff times. Its like we somehow miss out on life happening because we are focused on one specific life event. For me it was our miscarriage. March and April had a lot stuff happening in them, but seem to have flown by the fastest. Funny, I guess that is why God is always telling me to keep my eyes focused on Him. So we can appreciate our days a little more and let him worry about what the future will bring.

Speaking of future.......Will and I are busy working these days getting ready for our friends wedding in Pittsburgh on June 19. We are really excited to be a part of it and I am also excited to see that area especially where Will grew up.

We have also been busy excersing since we turned our guest bedroom into a work out room. Will has been busy with p90x and I with my ellipitcal. I am not so much enjoying this process and having to admit to ourselves that since we got married we let ourselves go a little. blah! But I want to look and feel better by my 30th bday in July, so I will keep at it!!! Hello bathing suit season, goodbye baggy hoodies, you will be missed.

~Steph

Moving on

Its been awhile since my last update, not that much hasn't happened, just didn't want to write about it, yet. I would have to say that in the month of March Will and I have been to more doctor appointments and I have more tests than I would like to think about. It has been hard since we found out that we had the miscarriage because even though it was over, it wasn't over.

The doctor had made the decision to give the body time to work things out naturally but when that didn't happen I got fustrated. I gave it as much time as I could. I will admit I wanted to move on. The hardest part for me was waking up every morning and having to remind myself that I was not pregnant and having to say it outloud so that it could sink in. I realize that I did not carry the baby that long, but it was still hard to take in.

We met with the doctor on Friday, April 10th and made the decision to do a D & C (Dilation and Curettage) since I had no bleeding and no sign of anything happening naturally. I had this done on Monday, April 13th at the Indian River Hospital.

I have had a little more pain the last couple of days but it is getting better and Will and I are moving on. I want to say a special thank you to one family member in particular, Kathleen and AJ, your words and your gift have touched our heart so much and we are so thankful to call you family, love you! Our whole family has been awesome throughout this entire situation and we couldn't have felt more love. Everyday we feel blessed even though the trial has been hard, our family reminds us that God loves us so much and is not going to let us forget it.

We look forward to the future and future good news ;)

Steph

Micah

I want to first start this blog by describing Micah and why I pick that as the title. I was sleeping the other night and was awaken for reasons unknown and decided to talk to God. I needed a name that would be fitting for a girl or boy and something that meant something. (To be explained) The name Micah was spoken to me. I thought how fitting, it really can be used for both a girl or boy, Thanks God. I immediately looked up the meaning and it means, "To Be Like God, or similar".

Micah's heart stopped sometime between March 21st and April 2nd. Micah is Will and I's first miscarrage. We know not the reasons or why God choose to take our little one and choose not to ask Him why. On the day we reach Heaven we will get to meet little Micah and will now know our little one by name.

I will share one thought of peace that God has given us thus far. All this time we have been praying for a healthy baby and we believe that Micah was just not healthy and that is the reason that God chose to take our little one so soon. We have faith that passes all understanding and rest on the shoulders of our all mighty.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

This has been a rollercoaster of a journey and unfortuantly for us, a public one. Usually with miscarriages you are able to keep them within a small group friends and family, but this is not going to be the case for us. We did choose to tell everyone at 6wks that we were pregnant and took that chance, a chance we do not regret. We do of course ask that you allow us to grieve privately. If you want to send encouragement email us at stephanie.hulings@gmail.com or shrekt3rd@yahoo.com

We are supported by two wonderful families and a wonderful group of friends. Our journey unfortuantly is not quite over yet, so we ask for prayers and thank you all for who have been praying.

Love,
Will and Steph

"I'm Pregnant"

I really didn't find out the way I always thought I would. About the end of Februrary I started to have alot of pain. Thinking it was my time of month even though I was late because I had the same problems back in December, but I didn't give it much thought until it got worse. Basically to the point of me not even being able to sleep. So I made an appointment to see the doctor. That was about March 4. He checked me out for cysts and told me that he saw something funny on the ultrasound, so decided to send me for a pregnacy test just to be safe. He sent me home with pain pills and told me that probably when my time of month comes that it will be painful.

The next morning around 8am, the doc calls and says "Your pregnacy test came back POSITIVE" . My response was "Your kidding". I was in total shock. Then he proceeds to tell me that he has concerns. He didn't see a baby on the ultrasound and my hormone levels were low. He was thinking that I was having a tubal pregancy. So we told our parents and asked them to keep it to themselves until we know something more. Over the next couple of days and week I had 5 more blood tests and 3 more ultrasounds to try and find out where the baby was. The thought was that maybe it was too early and that is why they couldn't find it, or the worse. Because of all the pain, we just weren't sure. The pain thank goodness was getting better and my hormone levels were going up. But.........still.............no baby to be seen.

During this time it was very hard for Will and I. We were afraid to be excited about something that may not be. Stuck in limbo was the worst. But it was also a time of Faith. To have Faith that God had us in the palm of His hands and that no matter what happens we were going to just be OK.

So had an ultrasound scheduled for Friday, March 13, and told everyone it was on the next tuesday. We did that incase we still didn't know anything so we wouldn't have to explain to everyone again, that "Hey, we still don't know". And we didn't, not till monday. The doc finally called and told us, "yes" we found the baby, and it is where it is suppose to be." Finally!!!!!

So I went to the store, bought some onezies that had something Grandma on them and Will and I gave one to our mothers and told them, "5weeks and 3days". There were a few tears, but this time of excitment.

We then told them we are not quite of the water yet. We still had one more ultrasound scheduled to make sure the baby was growing, that was this past friday. So the update is, it is growing, but we have some things we need to watch, so the baby still needs some prayer and me as well. I have a blood pressure issue that does not seem to want to cooperate, so............Pray for us.

So that has been our adventure the last couple of weeks. Exciting, stressful, tearful, and faithful. We are excited and looking foward to our anniversary tomorrow and going away for a few days.

~Steph

God and I

I have neglated my blog because I couldn't write about what was really going on in our life right now, but I would like to finally write some about it or I guess ask a question to the small group of readers I might have out there.

Why are the most delicate blessings from God sometimes the hardest ones to take in at first? Is it because he wants us to truly appreciate what he is giving us, or is it a test of some sorts? Sometimes I wish I really could sit down with God with a cup of hot tea and ask away. I sometimes imagine it.......Me telling my funny joke, and probably be the only one laughing and God telling me how he first imagined me and knew that I would always question things. I imagine his eyes comforting and his smile peaceful and warming.

Then I wake up and realize that it was only a dream. In this relationship with God I also find myself wanting to be closer, wanting to see those eyes and feel His hugs.

~Steph